My Testimony.

"Satan's plans to destroy me backfired like dynamite.....

I thought I FULLY AND WILLINGLY gave up the pen to Him....turns out I'm still taking it back every now and then. Not to rewrite things but to TAKE things out and ERASE some things that I want to forget and never think about again. But these days it seems like every direction I look, there they are...staring right at me....then I hear God's voice....telling me that it's okay to share those events.....it's okay to be vulnerable....it's okay to FEEL.......to CRY.......to LOVE.......to TRUST; not only Him but to TRUST the people He has placed in my life at this moment in time.

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That word: TRUST. It's rather tough for me to do. Nine times out of ten, I am constantly praying that I will learn to do that again. I know I trust Him with my life but I don't know if I trust people in my life. There's a lot of things that I deal with on a daily basis, things that no one knows about; and probably will never know. But I will share this, I will wear my heart on my sleeve for this, for my testimony...

I'm a victim of emotional, physical, sexual and verbal abuse.

I grew up without my Dad.

I was sexually abused by one of my grandfather's while coming back from Oklahoma.

I was in a relationship that was overwhelming, consuming, and toxic.

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Here is my story, my testimony, my heart...

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My father left when I was two years old. I'm 21, almost 22, and for the last 19 years, I have never really seen my father. He has been more interested in women than his own children (he has five children). A few years ago, my parents tried to get back together and it worked out for the first two months. Then he got bored or my Mom got bored, I don't know. I got my horse, Pandora when he came back into our lives and when he left, she was the one I leaned on a lot. Not only because he left but because of the sexual abuse, I endured three years before. There is one thing I have learned about Sgt. Chee.....his love isn't free, it has to be earned. He only wants me in his life if I decide to abandon my relationship with Jesus Christ and turn back to the Navajo religion. I'm worthless to him because I chose a relationship with Jesus. I'm worthless to him because I won't stand behind him and support him at ceremonies and powwows. I'm worthless to him because I won't be who he wants me to be and do the same thing he does. When or IF he shows up to any of my accomplishments, there are strings attached. There has to be a reason for him to be there for me and NOT the "because I'm his daughter" reason. I grew up wondering my worth to my father. He left us in his past. And honestly, if I was to travel 800 miles to see him, he wouldn't care. Visiting us had to be on HIS terms, calling us had to be when he felt like it. There is nothing, I think, more hurtful than being rejected, thrown to the side, and forgotten by a parent and family members... Just because my faith is not aligned with what a certain parent's religion is, I have pretty much been "disowned", if you will. And when I finally came to terms with that, it tore a piece of the heart I thought I didn't have. Since I have become a Christian, my father has shared little interest in me. He needed one of his children to stand behind him at a powwow, a ceremony, or anything to do with the Navajo religion. But as soon as I found out exactly what it was, I turned the other way. It took me a long time to come to the conclusion that no matter what I do; it will not change the way my father feels about me. And that right there hurts me, I hide it all the time. In all honesty, there are nights when I lay in bed and cry myself to sleep because I would LOVE to have a father-daughter relationship with my biological father. Don't get me wrong, I love that I have a father-daughter relationship with my God-Daddy, but there is something missing there. There always will be... But at the end of each day, I am blessed to have my chosen father in my life. He treats me like his own and for that, I will always be thankful.

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A few years ago, my little brother Isaiah and I took a trip to Oklahoma to see one of our grandfathers. It was a spontaneous trip, originally my two other brothers, Marcus and Chad were gonna go but at the last minute, they decided to stay home. So Isaiah and I left. For the most part, it was fun, I got to know my baby brother a little more. We played outside, watched movies, talked and got really close. Isaiah and I were already close, to begin with, but the events of that car ride back to New Mexico would bring us closer together... After a few days in Oklahoma, we decided to go back to NM early. We left his home around 5 AM and headed to Amarillo. The beginning of the car ride was good, we were laughing, singing, having a good time. Then around 730, Isaiah and I got sleepy, he laid down in the backseat and I was sitting in the front so I just tried to make myself comfortable. I am not going to go into complete details of what happened to me next, all I am going to say is that my grandfather, a man who I respected so much and looked up to; molested me. He stopped when the phone rang and I opened my eyes. I was frozen. I couldn't speak. I couldn't move. We pulled into a gas station and I woke Isaiah up and I told him to please stay awake. He was so sleepy but when he looked into my eyes, he knew something wasn't right. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know where to go. I didn't know where we were. I wanted to grab my little brother and run but I didn't know where to run too.

To make this long story short, we reached Amarillo, met my grandparents and my mom but I didn't tell them what happened. I didn't know how to tell them. I remember literally jumping out of the car before it was parked and running up to my Gramma and Mom. I held onto my Gramma so tight, she had to tell me to let go. I couldn't wait to leave his presence. From that day on, I spiraled. I became so hateful, I closed off any feelings I had left, I didn't talk to anyone, I constantly fought and argued with my family. Living started to become unbearable. My mom thought it had something to do with Sgt. Chee. She was on her last resort so I started seeing a therapist, but that didn't last. I hated going to church, I hated being around church people. I blamed God so much that I soon became hateful towards Him. About a year and a half after it happened, I finally told my Mom. We had got into another argument that morning and when I got home from school I found something petty to argue over. She got so angry and frustrated, she left the house and went for a walk. I waited for about ten minutes and went after her. When I reached her, I argued with her again and started crying and I finally told her what happened when Isaiah and I were coming back to NM. To this day I can remember exactly what I said to her. She asked me why I hated her so much and why I wasn't myself.

This is what I said to her, "Because when I needed you the most you weren't there. When you knew something wasn't right when you picked me up, you asked no questions. You didn't see that the little girl you gave birthed to was hurting so much, she didn't know how to tell you." I can remember how her expression went from wanting to hit me upside the head to wanting to hold me in her arms like she did when I was little. I was angry that she wasn't there to protect me, I was angry that she couldn't see that her own child was hurting so bad it physically hurt. I finally ran into her arms and cried and apologized that I let this happen.

She ran back home, told my Grandpa, he called my Gramma at work, she told him to pick her up right away, my Mom was on the phone with Social Services, she went outside and punched the shed because the Oklahoma grandpa wasn't answering the phone, my Grandpa called the ambulance because my Mom messed up her hand pretty good, my brothers Chad and Marcus were sitting on the couch with me and holding me, telling me they were sorry they weren't there to protect me like they always did, Social Services and BIA showed up, Gramma and Grandpa were home, Gramma ran inside, grabbed me and held onto me like it was the last time she would ever hug me. She asked me over and over why I didn't say anything when it happened. (To answer that question, I don't know why...I would always think that they wouldn't believe me. I was scared.) The next few days were a roller coaster of emotions. I was meeting with Social Services, then interviewed by FBI agents, then BIA agents, then therapists, then back to FBI agents, it was just a whirlwind! When everything was documented, we were told it would be a tough case because the location was unknown. I didn't know if we were in Texas or in Oklahoma at the time of the incident. That was the end. They would continue to investigate but it would be difficult. I always wonder what would have happened if I told my family the day it happened. I always wonder what would have happened to my brother and I if we did run.

It's never-ending thoughts of "what ifs"...

(A little word of advice, NEVER tell someone who has had to endure this type of pain to just "get over it", "move on", or "let it go", that is probably ONE of the many hurtful things you could possibly say.) To this day, it is EXTREMELY difficult for me to fall asleep on the passenger side of a vehicle. When I am in the passenger seat and begin to feel sleepy, I try everything I can think of to stay awake. When I close my eyes, I see everything all over again... It's slowly getting easier...day by day. The summer months are horrible. I can smell the same smell of that day and instantly I get anxiety. He passed away a few years ago, but when I can smell the cologne he used to wear, I get anxiety. I know he's gone - but I still look for him. I know he's gone - but the pain is still there. One day...the nights will get easier, the sleep will come faster, and the anxiety will be gone.

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Against my mother's will, I began a relationship with a guy. A relationship that lasted longer than it should have but we kept trying to make it work. We tried and for the most part succeeded, he was my rock. He was there through the Oklahoma incident, he was there all the times Sgt. Chee left and broke promises, he was there to make me laugh when I felt like I couldn't laugh anymore... He was my best friend. As we got into high school and left high school, it started to get more and more serious...but with seriousness came consequences. When we were around our friends, he was himself but when we were alone, he was a totally different person. I endured so many horrendous moments with him, moments that no one knows (I won't go into detail but if I choose to share this information with you, I will). Every moment alone with him, I questioned my worth to him, I questioned the "love" I thought we had for each other. Things were said and done on both ends that never can be undone. I'm not saying he was always "the bad guy", there are some amazing memories with him that I will always look back on and smile or laugh. He was my best friend before the relationship started. To be honest, there are some days when I miss what we once had, and wish things worked out the way we planned but if I didn't end our relationship when I did, I would not be where I am now and I would not have learned the things I have learned... I don't wish him ill will, in fact, now I have reached a point in my life of including him in my prayers. We no longer speak to each other but that doesn't mean I stopped caring about him. I pray he finds the happiness that only the Lord can give, I pray he treats his significant other with respect, honor, and commitment. I have forgiven him for the hurt and pain he caused me, I have forgiven him for every word that he said to me.

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I have been raised in church my whole life but I didn't know Jesus until I really met Him.

Before I met Jesus, I had no hope inside. I was rebellious and probably the most hateful person you would ever meet. I had major anger issues, I would blow a gasket over the smallest things. When I did become angry, I wanted to punch something and most of the time I did. I had to attend anger management classes but they didn't seem to work. I was put on medication because I was told I was depressed. Those worked, but they turned me into a person I didn't like. I didn't feel like myself and the medication allowed me to not feel or express myself. I had to grow up quickly and learn how to handle life. The guy was hindering me from getting closer to the Lord and I strayed so far away from Him to please Sgt. Chee. For such a time as this God chose a very special person to help bring hope to this dry barren land. I am blessed to have her in my life and I am blessed to call her a friend. There is something she said to me the other day that I remind myself daily, "Come what may keep Christ the center of your life and you will always be fulfilled in life. Each trial makes us stronger; we look back and realize how far we've come and rejoice!"

I've said this before...That place...that "Saul vs. Paul/Jacob vs. Israel" moment...that was where I needed to be to truly understand the desires of God's heart and re-meet a Man I had known all my life. When I began to examine my personal life and think back to all the brilliant (and ridiculously ignorant...) ideas I have come with over the past few years, I found myself refocusing on a lot of things. It is truly painful yet a humbling experience to endure being stripped down to the bare basics, if you will, and learning what is truly important in my life and walk with Christ, that had me in tears and total repentance. Oh, how selfish I have been to think so highly of myself and believe that I didn't need God to work things out for me... where did I get that kind of head power? Who am I to think that the Creator of the Universe, doesn't know exactly what His child is thinking, feeling, and dealing with? I broke down, I broke down into hysterical sobbing. I realized that I have strayed so very far from what He has promised me that I no longer possessed the passion and hunger to pursue Christ-like I use too. I realized just how far I had drifted from where He had me safely placed. The battle that I've been fighting has been intense, and I've ended up with some scars from it. But I refuse to allow the enemy's tactics of depression, fear, anxiety, pain, and extreme confusion to rule me anymore. I'm done walking in shame, regret, sadness, and oppression. I have a beautiful life to live, even if I'm unsure of how everything will play out. I recently saw a couple I go to church with at the Chinese restaurant in town and as we were catching up, the lady told me this, "The light that shined really big when you first moved here, I saw it get really dark and now as I look at you, that light is back." That was so humbling to hear and gave me the reassurance I needed. It hasn't been an easy road, but where I am now is a step closer to where I need to be. I love people but over the years I have learned to be very guarded with my life...for personal reasons...but I am slowly and carefully removing that "shield". All in all, I said some things that I shouldn't have said. I went to some places I had no business in going. I did some things that I wish I could erase from my history. I befriended people who weren't interested in anything more than seeing me fail. I ruined friendships with other people who were actually there for me but I wouldn't allow them to get close. I made choices that affected not only myself but others. But there is more to life than allowing roadblocks, detours, speed bumps, and accidents to hinder me on my journey. And once I finally realized that His Love hasn't changed, and His Plan is still in existence, I felt a peace that I've been praying for the longest time.

For whoever is reading this, please know that God does have a plan for you...even if it looks impossible right now. Fight the good fight of Faith. Never think that you are too far from His Grace, or that His Plan for you is invalid.

He is always waiting for the lost to come home...

Here are a few songs that have ministered to my heart...

Say Amen

I've Never Walked Alone

Sometimes It Takes A Storm

Ride Out Your Storm

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UPDATE:

RESTORATION. FORGIVENESS. LOVE.

On February 21, 2018, I experienced redemption with someone I have been praying for, a relationship was restored, forgiveness was evident, and there was a love that was never felt before. Let me set the stage a bit... A week before this reconciliation happened there was an event that had taken place. My paternal grandmother had fallen ill, her doctors said she didn't have much time, and with her pre-existing conditions, surgery is not an option. My father called me with the news and without second-guessing, I made the decision to go home for a week. Although this is such a hard diagnosis to deal with, something beautiful came out of it. I had not spoken to my father in years. During that time I told myself that I would rather have the distance between us and not speak to him.

But on February 21, 2018, everything changed. As I sat with my father it felt like time didn't pass, like hurtful and horrible words weren't said, like we didn't swear we would never contact or see one another ever again. We laughed, we reminisced, we hugged, but more importantly, we FORGAVE one another. It was at that moment, I felt like I didn't have to earn my father's love, he gave it freely and willingly. And that was the best feeling in the entire world. I was nervous the entire drive to Albuquerque, I didn't know what would happen. I didn't know if my father would remind me of the things we said, I didn't know if I would get angry when I saw him, I just didn't know how the situation would play out.

I was listening to a radio show on my way to the hospital, the beginning of the show started talking about how Jesus taught us GRACE and FORGIVENESS through His life (Matthew 6:14-15). I didn't want to forgive my Dad for everything that happened. I just wanted to be done with him and live my life. Long before my Dad contacted me, the Lord constantly dealt with me on this situation. I told God, no. No, I don't want to forgive him, I don't want to see him, I don't want to hear from him. I am done with him. Then slowly I was convicted more and more each day. It made me so angry, but when I let go of my pride, when I let go of the situation and when I let go of my Dad, the Lord began to move. It was only a couple weeks later that my Dad contacted me. it was only days when I made the drive to New Mexico, it was only hours when I would see him after five years, and it was only seconds when I saw him and forgave him and asked him to forgive me for the hateful words I said to him.

This has become my favorite picture. It brings tears to my eyes to see that smile on my siblings' faces and my Dad's face. The genuine, happy smile. We still have a long road ahead of us. Trust needs to be rebuilt, but in time and with lots of prayers, we will get there. I am not saying that I have given my Dad all my trust. Because the truth is, I haven't BUT in time I will.

I love my Dad, I always have. And to have him back in my life is truly a God-thing.

Gave me a testimony, I shall live and not die..."